October 4, 2014 – Rob is a 28-year-old male who experiences same-sex attraction.
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“Hello. My name is Rob and I live in the United Kingdom. Of the many things that contributed to my SSA, I’d have to say the most significant were wounds inflicted by my male peers – making me feel excluded and inferior. When I was a teenager, I developed an acute inferiority complex with regards to anything masculine. I felt totally inferior to the men I saw around me and on TV. As much as I wanted to “be a man”, that goal always felt far beyond my reach. I wanted to be a strong, tall and confident man. Instead I felt like a weak, short, excluded and inferior boy. I started to admire the masculine appearance of men, as something I wanted to achieve but never could. Mixed with loneliness and early sexual experiences with other males, I longed for male affection so much that my SSA became firmly rooted in my mind and heart.
I add to this the influence of the media – telling me that my feelings meant I was gay (rather than the genuine needs for male affection and affirmation) and that nothing could be done about it. The media also made me believe that the only way to get the affection from other males that I needed and wanted was through a same-sex romantic or sexual relationship. By the time I was twenty-years old, I had slept around with many other males, had a handful of boyfriends and was heavily addicted to gay pornography. However I was unhappy. About a year ago two heterosexual guys befriended me. Their influence and their friendship soon lead me to feeling more like “one of the guys”.
Lately, I’ve started to notice small (although weak) heterosexual “flashes” as my homosexual attractions have weakened just a little bit. (What I mean by “flashes” is I had small, but noticeable, feelings for good-looking women.) I don’t know what these new feelings mean. As a teenager I felt as though there was nothing I could do to change my sexuality. But my personal beliefs and convictions told me that gay sexual behavior was wrong. I did not want to be gay. I did not want to be different. Now I want to investigate what these new feelings mean. I want to do this for myself. Thanks for letting me get this off my chest.”
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