April 4, 2015 – Trey is 26 years old. He states he is sexually attracted to other men.
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“My life was fairly uneventful until the age of 16 when I accepted Christ as my Savior. Unfortunately, I did not allow Him or His Spirit to help me understand myself but rather I hid behind my Christian experience to avoid having to face what I was feeling. I think it is one of the biggest regrets of my life. Instead of getting to know Jesus Christ in an intimate way, I simply adopted an outward Christian appearance.
I threw myself into becoming the best Christian guy I could be. I participated in everything at church, did hours of prayer and Bible study and volunteered for everything I could think of. Unfortunately for me it was not driven by my love for Christ or a desire to serve Him but rather by fear. Really fear of being known – that I might know myself or heaven forbid that someone else might know what I was thinking or feeling. I appeared to be a good son, a good Christian and a good student. Everything looked good but it was all an act . . . an act to keep me from having to look honestly at what I was feeling.
I managed to keep this act up until my second year of college. Once I was from home keeping up this facade became much more difficult. I started to talk to a doctor to explore my rather confusing life. He was the first person that I had ever been truly honest with and he helped me face up to what I was feeling and doing. He also suggested that I go out into the world and explore my sexuality.
From his perspective, that was the only thing to do. In my state of mind at the time I agreed with him and that’s what I did. I finally had accepted what I was feeling and I acted on it. I had been sexual with men before but this was the first time that I had started this quest in any open or aware manner.
It wasn’t long until I met someone. He was a Christian guy and we became good friends and deeply attached to each other. Our relationship was emotionally intimate in ways but never sexual. I only knew him for a year and then he moved away. Despite that he gave me something very valuable. He was the first person to ever touch me in a nonsexual but caring way. He was the first person who ever said ‘I love you’ to me. He was as scared and confused as I was but despite that he contributed to my life. He made me feel included. He helped me realize that I was a person worthy of being cared for. That it was possible for me to be loved. I honest don’t think I knew this before then.
After that I decided that it couldn’t be too hard to find someone nice since I had found him so quickly. I jumped into the gay community with abandon. I spent the next 2 years looking for a replacement for him. Unfortunately it wasn’t as easy as I had thought. I eventually stopped looking for love and just settled for sex. At this time I was 22 years old and I was becoming more and more out of control. Sex became an obsession. I can remember, so often, arguing with God, about what I knew what I doing.
When I was 24 I knew something had to change. I started attending a New Direction support group but dropped out after a few meetings. I just didn’t know why I was going. I was gay and I felt like the purpose of the group was to turn me into a heterosexual. The problem was that I completely misunderstood the process. It wasn’t about becoming straight. It was about me accepting my Christian identity, confessing the claim that Christ had on my life. At the time I just couldn’t see that. After a few more months I returned to the group and started the process again – for real.
I believe that process continues to this day. My journey surrounds homosexuality but more deeply I think my struggle has been with God. ‘Who am I?’ and ‘Do you really love me?’ Those have been huge issues for me and at times they still are.
I wish this gay thing hadn’t been my struggle but to be honest I am also thankful for it. I might not be a Christian if I had not been gay because it so deeply revealed to me my need. It also continually calls me into a deeper relationship with Jesus because of that need. God had never abandoned me no matter what I did. It also helps me to see how much God does love me.
I believe my struggle with homosexuality has been primarily a spiritual struggle – maybe not like the struggles of other Christians have. I’m not sure where this journey will take me. But I am confident that the Lord will teach me what is best for me and direct me in the way I should go. Thanks Darrell for letting me share.”
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