Male Friendship and Emotional Intimacy
As of June 15, 135 participants have completed this survey.
It’s not too late to participate! If you haven’t shared your experience with us yet, click here to take the survey!
Survey results are scheduled to be updated again on June 30, 2018.
#1: What is your age?
- 24 respondents are between the ages of 40 and 49
- 31 are between the ages of 50 and 59
- 37 are between the ages of 20 and 29
- 10 are between the ages of 17 and 19
- 10 are between the ages of 60 and 69
- 2 are between the ages of 13 and 16
- 21 are between the ages of 30 and 39
#2: Which best describes you?
- 71 chose “I experience same-sex attractions”
- 24 chose “I experience attraction toward more than one sex (or gender)”
- 14 chose “I have a homosexual orientation”
- 18 chose “I have a heterosexual orientation”
- 3 chose “I self-identify as gay”
- 4 self-identify as “asexual”
#3: How important is your faith to your overall life?
- 102 chose “very important”
- 18 chose “important”
- 10 chose “somewhat important”
- 4 chose “not very important”
#4: Are you satisfied with the number of male friends you have?
- 90 said “no”
- 34 said “yes”
- 12 said “I don’t know”
#5: A “Jonathan-David” type friendship is often cited as an ideal. How do you feel about having a close and trusted friend?
- 83 chose “I need a friend like that”
- 35 chose “I have friends like that now, and would like more”
- 8 chose “I haven’t recovered yet from a close friendship that had an unhappy ending”
- 6 chose “I like the idea, but I can’t imagine myself with such a friendship”
- 1 chose “I am not sure I want to make the commitment it would take”
#6: Jonathan gave David his military armor, gear and weapons. The ONE thing I MOST need to surrender to have close friendships is my tendency to . . .
- “not let others get close to me” – 92 respondents
- “get caught up with things instead of people” – 9 respondents
- “act like I don’t need anyone” – 14 respondents
- “be jealous” – 22 respondents
- “put myself down” – 12 respondents
- “hide my feelings” – 45 respondents
#7: How do you need to change to receive more support from friends?
- “learn to take the risk of asking” was chosen 111 times
- “stop trying to be so self-sufficient” was chosen 77 times
- “recruit some different friends” was chosen 58 times
- “be more supportive of others” was chosen 52 times
- “I’m doing fine as is” was chosen 13 times
#8: How much do you feel a need in your life for support from other guys?
- 107 of you said “I really feel that need”
- 14 of you said “giving and receiving other men’s support is easier said than done”
- 12 of you said “I want to move in that direction, but I feel a little uptight about it”
- 2 of you said “I don’t feel the need for support from other guys”
#9: What FIRST piques your initial interest in another guy as a potential friend?
- 28 respondents chose “character”
- 18 chose “faith”
- 6 chose “social skills”
- 41 chose “other inner qualities such as courage, humility, kindness, etc.”
- 31 chose “appearance”
- 4 chose “talents and abilities”
- 3 chose “popularity”
- 3 chose “intelligence”
- 1 chose “potential”
#10: How long have you known your most important male friend?
- 37 said “1 – 3 years”
- 43 chose “4 – 10 years”
- 20 of you have known your most important male friend between “11 and 20 years”
- 24 reported “0 – 12 months”
- 11 reported “21 – 40 years”
#11: How often do you see your most important male friend?
- 42 chose “more than once a week”
- 24 people chose “once a week”
- 7 chose more than once a day
- 9 chose once a day
- 19 chose “once a month”
- 21 chose “once a year”
- 13 chose “less than once a year”
#12: How often do you speak to your most important male friend on the phone?
- 18 said “one time per year”
- 41 said “once per month”
- 15 said “more than 1 time per week”
- 28 said “once a week”
- 20 said “less than 1 time per year”
- 7 said “1 time per day”
- 5 said “more than 1 time per day”
#13: How often do you communicate with your most important male friend via email, text and/or social media?
- 29 reported more than once a week
- 29 said once a week
- 20 said once a month
- 14 reported once a day
- 28 reported more than once a day
- 6 said once a year
- 6 reported less than once a year
#14: When you are together with your most important male friend, what is the average percent of time you spend talking about YOUR feelings?
- 34 guys said 5% of the time
- 42 said 25% of the time
- 31 of you said 50% of the time
- 7 said 75% of the time
- 9 said 0% of the time
- 2 said 100% of the time
#15. When you are together with your most important male friend, what is the average percent of time you spend talking about HIS feelings?
- 36 of you said 5% of the time
- 32 said 50% of the time
- 11 said 0% of the time
- 41 said 25% of the time
- 13 said 75% of the time
- 2 said 100% of the time
#16. Based on the definition of emotional intimacy presented in the survey, which of the following behaviors are present in your relationship with your most important male friend?
- “reciprocity” was chosen 69 times
- “giving and getting support” was chosen 84 times
- “self-disclosure” was chosen 87 times
- “vulnerability” was chosen 77 times
- “emotional expressiveness” was chosen 90 times
- “cooperation” was chosen 58 times
- “letting go of control” was chosen 43 times
- “none of these apply” was chosen 12 times
#17: 127 out of 135 answered “yes” to this question: “would you like more emotional intimacy in your male friendship(s)?” 3 answered “no”; 5 answered “I don’t know”
#18: 111 out of 135 respondents stated that they were raised by a father or another significant male figure
#19: If you were raised by a father-figure, which of the behaviors described were present in your relationship with him?
- “cooperation” was chosen 32 times
- “letting go of control” was chosen 20 times
- “giving/getting support” was chosen 36 times
- “vulnerability” was chosen 6 times
- “emotional expressiveness” was chosen 15 times
- “self-disclosure” was chosen 12 times
- “reciprocity” was chosen 18 times
- “none of these behaviors were present in our relationship” was chosen 74 times
#20: What kind of emotionally intimate encounters did you observe your father (or significant male figure) having with his friends?
- “Cooperation” was chosen 40 times
- “Reciprocity” was chosen 25 times
- “Emotional expressiveness” was chosen 13 times
- “Giving/getting support” was chosen 31 times.
- “Vulnerability” was chosen 6 times.
- “Self-disclosure” was chosen 12 times.
- “Letting go of control” was chosen 4 times.
- The option, “he did not have emotional intimacy in his friendships with men” was chosen 24 times.
- “He didn’t have male friends” was chosen 22 times.
#21: How do your male friendships help you in your current (or most recent) romantic relationship?
- “they listen to me vent my feelings about the relationship” was chosen 20 times
- “they give me suggestions or recommendations regarding how to go about the relationship” was chosen 36 times
- “they help me take my mind off the relationship when things aren’t good” was chosen 19 times
- “they haven’t helped me” was chosen 48 times
- the option “other” was chosen 12 times; four stated that they have never been in a romantic relationship, four stated they don’t have a romantic relationship; another stated “helps my same-sex attractions”; another stated, “I’ve not had a male friend whom I could discuss relationships with.” One stated that he didn’t know. Another individual stated, “Being SameSA, they listen to me vent about being alone and the frustration of not (by choice) having a romantic relationship.” One individual stated this question doesn’t apply to him because he has been divorced for quite some time. One stated: “I only dated once, not my choice, pushed by my mother and her friend.” Another respondent stated: “Haven’t been in a relationship in years.”
- Respondent #33 stated: “All of these apply for my last romantic relationship and for currently with no romantic relationship, in regard to various male friends I’ve had or now have.”
#22: How do your male friendships help you in your work?
- “they help me laugh and/or relax during or after work” was chosen 58 times
- “they help me get things accomplished at work” was chosen 24 times
- “they listen to me vent my feelings about work” was chosen 59 times
- “my male friendships do not help me with work” was chosen 42 times
- One participant stated, “they pray for me and support me spiritually”. Another participant (#33) stated, “They’ve helped me solve problems and navigate complex issues at work.”
#23: How do your male friendships help you maintain or improve your physical health?
- “they help me laugh and relax” was chosen 57 times
- “they encourage me to eat healthy” was chosen 32 times
- “I exercise with them” was chosen 32 times
- “they do not help me maintain or improve my physical health” was chosen 49 times
- the option “other” was chosen 3 times. One participant stated that his friend(s) help him by providing non-erotic touch. Another respondent stated that just being with his friends relieves stress and anxiety. Another stated, “I am able to talk to them about it”.
#24: How do your male friendships help you with your parenting?
- 33 of you reported that they do not help you with parenting
- 9 of you reported that they give you advice about being a parent
- 15 of you reported that they listen to you vent your feelings about being a parent
- 7 of you reported that they help take care of your children
- 82 of you reported that you are not a parent (that you do not have any children)
#25: How important are male friendships to you compared to your other social relationships?
- Significant other – 38 chose “very important”; 35 chose “important”; 9 chose “somewhat important”; 4 chose “not important”; 20 chose “does not apply to me”
- Children – 15 chose “very important”, 68 chose “important”, 10 chose “somewhat important, 76 chose “does not apply to me”
- Parents – 40 chose “very important”, 39 chose “important”, 24 chose “somewhat important”, 3 chose “not important”; 26 chose “does not apply to me”
- Siblings – 36 chose “very important”, 39 chose “important”, 26 chose “somewhat important”, 8 chose “not important”, 18 chose “does not apply to me”
- Coworkers – 58 chose “very important”, 24 chose “important”, 28 chose “somewhat important”, 11 chose “not important”; 12 chose “does not apply to me”
#26: What do you usually do when conflict arises with your close male friends?
- 74 of you voted “talk about it”
- 13 voted “stop talking”
- 30 voted “ignore it”
- 9 voted “make a joke out of it”
- 8 selected “an option not listed”; one stated that he has not experienced conflict in his close male friendships; one stated that he “fights it out”; one respondent replied we “talk about it, or punching followed by hugs”; another participant stated, “heated discussion/write a letter”; yet another respondent stated he apologizes, the 6th respondent stated, “my relationship is a distant one (online & telephone) – we do not have conflict”; the 7th respondent stated, “Developing friendship still, known him about a year and a half. No conflicts”; another responded, “I never experience conflict with my close friend”
#27: How long does it generally take to resolve conflict with your male friends?
- 15 of you stated that the conflict does not get resolved
- 55 of you reportedly address the conflict immediately
- 28 of you said it takes several hours
- 7 of you said it takes several months
- 25 of you stated that it takes several days
- 1 responded it took over a year
#28: What are the reasons why you’ve lost (or significantly decreased time with) one or more of your close male friends?
- 73 of you reported that you (or they) moved away
- 47 stated some type of conflict is why you lost or significantly decreased time with one or more of your close male friends
- 14 of you reported that your friend(s) died
- 26 stated that none of the 3 options listed do not apply to you
- 1 chose the option “other”, stating that his friend was narcissistic
- Another respondent chose “other”: “Drifted apart due to time constraints”
- A third participant chose “other” as well: “was involved in a destructive relationship and lost contact with my friend for fear it would upset my partner
- One respondent stated: “I developed emotional dependency on them, which resulted in them pulling away from me.”
- Yet another respondent stated, “He got married and stopped communicating.”
- Respondent #33 stated, “Their becoming atheist, also their decision to cease or greatly reduce contact to the point of almost nil for reasons I am unaware of or do not understand.”
- Another cited marriage as another reason.
- Respondent #52 stated, “mental health hospitalization”
- One respondent stated, “they got married and became isolated from everyone in their new marriage”
#29 – Think about all the male friends you have had over the course of your life. What circumstances and/or situations helped you feel more emotionally secure (or safe) in your friendship with another guy?
Guy #1: “Shared faith, similar backgrounds and similar interests. If one or both of us let our guard down long enough to test the waters with a personal or sensitive issue, I will self-disclose a little and intentionally create and maintain a safe, emotional space in our relationship. Life happens and I want my friends to know and to feel they can count on me anytime.”
Guy #2: “I feel emotionally safe with this person as someone I can easily get along with and talk to, but never to intimacy unfortunately.”
Guy #3: “Feeling important to him melts my heart.”
Guy #4: “Accepts me for who I am.”
Guy #5: “Having fun on the beach and in the water.”
Guy #6: “Their willingness to be vulnerable with me and the longevity of our friendship.”
Guy #8: “When my friend is willing to be vulnerable with me, has expressed a level of commitment to our friendship, and has fought for our friendship it allows for me to feel more secure.”
Guy #9: “They opened up and shared their feelings with me. They were vulnerable.”
Guy #10: “Sharing the same struggles.”
Guy #11: “When they said they loved me, hugged me, and supported me when I was in need.”
Guy #12: “platonic physical contact”
Guy #13: “their willingness to be open and vulnerable, particularly when discussing sexual image and desire”
Guy #14: “I suppose, reaching a point where I believe they find me worth their time. When I’m able to reveal dark parts of myself without feeling judged, but loved. For the most part, I can’t relate to the sense of a secure male relationship. That’s a rather depressing thing to admit. I think the main problem is that I don’t know how to befriend a guy unless they initiate nor am I well practiced at being vulnerable.”
Guy #15: “When I felt liked and wanted without the complications of a sexual relationship”
Guy #16: “that they understood that being a man does not mean you are not allowed to be a human being”
Guy #17: “Their unconditional love even when my SSA crap was kicking in intensely.”
Guy #18: “If I would ever have a male friend who would say to be that we’ll be friends always and forever.”
Guy #19: “Acceptance”
Guy #20: “Regular contact and access”
Guy #21: “vulnerability (willingness to share one’s weaknesses)”
Guy #23: “Admitting to our individual struggles.”
Guy #24: “*when they spend more time with me
*when they reciprocate my efforts to love them
*when they are affectionate with me
*when I am accepted and not judged
*when they are willing to journey with me
*when they don’t leave or reject me”
Guy #25: “We seemed to enjoy being with each other and shared similar life experiences. Our personalities were similar. We could be open and sincere as we shared in conversation.”
Guy #26: “One in which there was openness to verbal and physical expression of affection like a hug and saying “I love you”.
Guy #27: “Similar struggles; shared interests/talents”
Guy #28: “his loyalty and his willingness to be open”
Guy #29: “It makes me feel important and feels great to Abe a brother that cares for you”
Guy #30: “Being able to be me . . . loved, understood, and accepted.”
Guy #31: “When he has told me that he loved me with a brotherly affection and was not afraid to make platonic only contact (i. e. hugs in a greeting or shoulder grabs when I clammed up in public).”
Guy #32: “They’re honest and open, convenience. I was a Military kid.”
Guy #33: “When they were open with me, when they chose to spend their time and energy with me, when they were upfront and honest with me, when they shared their feelings, when they reassured me and reaffirmed my worth and my value to them as their close friend, when they genuinely listened to me and sought my best interests, when they were receptive of me helping them too.”
Guy #34:” I feel that I am loved and made important.”
Guy #35: “openness”
Guy #36: “sharing candidly”
Guy #37: “Brother affection”
Guy #38: “When they didn’t think I was a creep or different than them.”
Guy #39: “Age. As I get older, I become more sure and open.”
Guy #40: “His openness about his life; his care for me.”
Guy #41: “self-disclosure and physical touch”
Guy #42: “I’ve never had a male friendship that made me feel more emotionally secure.
Guy #43: “when I was studying at college”
Guy #44: “I have only had one close male friend my whole life. He is a gay man. I don’t feel entirely safe with him because I know he would engage in sexual activity with me if I allowed it. I would feel safer in the company of a heterosexual male friend.”
Guy #45: “Knowing that I am unconditionally accepted; that he had a healthy, realistic view of who I am and my humanity, though I love Christ. It helps that he initiates an inquiry about what’s going on with me emotionally, spiritually, physically, etc. Having his loyalty, trust, and reassurance that he’ll remain a support to me, and allow me without question, to be the same with him (platonically).”
Guy #46: “Mutual understanding of issues at stake.”
Guy #47: “The ability to hug and touch without worrying about it becoming sexual since I have a history of multiple sexual abusers.”
Guy #48: “Only 2 friends would i say i am secure with and both of these friends are recent.”
Guy #49: “He was very loving and cared about me.”
Guy #50: “Him spending time with me having fun.”
Guy #51: “ONE GUY in particular… We were room mates (3 years) in college. After graduation (41 years ago), we continued to keep in touch via phone, letters, cards, email. We were involved in one another’s weddings. We have communicated with each other concerning very private, intimate matters, including children and sadly, divorces. Don’t know what I would do without him and his friendship.”
Guy #53: “Acceptance and unconditional love shown by them helped me be transparent with them.”
Guy #55: “Be open and vulnerable showing respect and admiration.”
Guy #56: “when we are doing something together”
Guy #57: “when they appreciated me and expressed their love for me”
Guy #58: “Trust me being emotionally and physically close to each other”
Guy #59: “When other guys are vulnerable and show me that they experience the same things I do really helps break shame. Things like insecurities, embarrassment over masturbation or sexual fantasies, fear of inadequacy, or anything that guys are told should be hidden. It’s healing to know that I’m pretty normal despite being attracted to guys. Nearly all of my friends are straight and it’s helped to know I’m not really that different from them and I still can be accepted by and loved by them as a brother.”
Guy #60: “shared faith, mutual trust, vulnerability, confidentiality”
Guy #61: “emotional dependency that is healthy. pray together”
#30 – Consider your most important male friend. What is it about him (or your relationship) that enriches your well-being? How does he encourage or challenge your growth as a person and/or man?
Guy #1: “There isn’t enough space here to describe my best friend. For one thing, he exudes gentleness and strength. Before we met I was an insecure loner who kept everyone at a distance. He was a face in the crowd and I was clueless. He was the first guy to actually pursue a friendship with me. He went out of his way to talk to me and seek out my company. He actually wanted to spend time with me and hang out. He was (and still is) able to sense and catch glimpses of the real me that no one knows. He’s constantly challenges me to grow, risk and learn in all areas of life – especially spiritually and relationally.”
Guy #2: “When we hang out it makes me feel good. Plus he is the only person my age I can really talk to and laugh with. He does encourage me to aim for better and work harder at things. That is as far as the intimacy goes I’m afraid.”
Guy #3: “When he shows interest in me, I feel so good.”
Guy #5: “I can be myself with him. At ease. Relaxed. We explore locations sometimes. Talk fun things. Be silly. Etc.
Guy #6: “Pretty much everything!”
Guy #8: “My closest friend is willing to ask me the hard questions and is not willing to settle for answers that we both know are copouts. He appreciates and desires there to be honest conversation between us, no matter how messy it can get.”
Guy #9: “He keeps me focused on my life goals. He always brings me back to a proper/sane way of thinking.”
Guy #10: “He was the first guy I felt like I could be myself around without pretending to be different.”
Guy #11: “He makes me laugh and will spend time with me. We pray for each other.”
Guy #12: “he has been gay in the past before he became a pastor and heterosexual/married. helps me sort out conscious and subconscious needs vs. desires”
Guy #13: “He straight up disagrees with me, he’s forward, and reveals his heart. We argue to find Truth and we allow each other to be convinced. Yet, we are never hurtful to one another and we move each other closer to God. He affirms me and openly challenges me.”
Guy #15: “The relationship challenges me to give emotional and physical affection and intimacy without it being sexual in nature”
Guy #16: “We have a lot of common interests and he values human consciousness holistically and is not over identified with the fact that he is a man.”
Guy #17: “He drives me to continue to grow my faith. And when I get clingy, he directs me back to God.”
Guy #20: “We strive to keep God at the centre. Being vulnerable and humble regarding our struggles and then support in prayer.”
Guy #21: “He has never judged me…he has disagreed with me but never judged me. He believes in me…I am not sure how else to put that. He has always allowed me to be me but he will ask me to explain myself if he does not understand where I am coming from on a particular point or idea and he will challenge me to explain how I came to that conclusion; not to convince him of my point of view, only how I arrived at my conclusion, So that he can understand how I think.”
Guy #23: “He likes me.” “By setting a good example himself.”
Guy #24: “*i feel that i am not alone
*i feel that i am loved
*i feel that someone is willing to understand me”
Guy #25: “We can be open about all of our needs: emotionally and sexually as Christian brothers. While it is a distance relationship, we can discuss any topic openly and honestly. As I age, I have no close Christian relationships with men in which I can be so honest and open with — I feel a sense of loss regarding this and regret it deeply.”
Guy #26: “He listens and points me to God’s word. He is vulnerable and asks my advice.”
Guy #27: “He understands my temptations; has a similar background; we encourage each other to go out of our comfort zones and grow in Christ”
Guy #28: “his thinking parallels mine”
Guy #29: “He makes me feel that I can do anything I want and I should be able to pursue my dreams and goals in life”
Guy #30: “He always point me to the Lord and His Word. He is emotionally and physically connected and appropriately affectionate with me. He reminds me he is my friend because he chooses to be and delights in being my friend. He tells me like I need to hear it and not how I might want to hear it.”
Guy #31: “He has never stopped me from being me and accepted all my strange imaginations and talk through them with me. Imagination spectrum can also be bad and he brings me out of bad thoughts and gets my mind going on other things.”
Guy #32: “They keep me from being lonely.”
Guy #33: “He teaches me, he encourages me, he helps me, he makes me feel completely comfortable around him, he listens to me, I can be completely upfront and honest with him, he loves me, he genuinely cares deeply for me, he wants to see me grow, and he is a Christian.”
Guy #34: “His faith and his decision to follow the Lord.”
Guy #35: “trust, laughter, closeness”
Guy #36: “He cares about me and is generous towards me.”
Guy #37: “He’s a preacher and a strong heroic type”
Guy #38: “We get along in our faith and intellectually.
Guy #39: “he accepts me as I am”
Guy #40: “He doesn’t do that anymore.”
Guy #41: “self-disclosure. sharing knowledge. talking about things I wouldn’t normally talk about with anyone else”
Guy #42: “he encouraged me to take this survey”
Guy #43: “sharing time together”
Guy #44: “Because he is gay, I do not actually feel it encourages my spiritual growth. But he is the only male friend I currently have.”
Guy #45: “It is his honesty with me, though most conversations have been about him, and the events in his life and family. Though rather new in developing a male-male relationship, he has a willingness to forget forward in deeming a relationship with me. He’s not taken any opportunity to challenge my growth yet. He seems to still be feeling out my boarders, or he doesn’t seem to want to come off as intrusive, though I’ve stated to him, he would not be intrusive. I assured him that I am open to his friendship, and the accountability that’s necessary for our friendship to grow.”
Guy #46: “His willingness to receive me in open vulnerability; hurts, needs, weakness, etc.”
Guy #48: “He helps me be a man even when I don’t feel like one.”
Guy #49: “He is virtuous and strives to come closer to God everyday. He helps me to become a better man, even just by his love and encouragement.”
Guy #50: “He makes me feel like, and tells me I’m a good man.”
Guy #51: “He encourages me to get out of my house and do interesting things. He is a good, Christian friend who prays for me when I face adversity and troubles, and when I am depressed.”
Guy #52: “God is central to our relationship.”
Guy #54: “He doesn’t.”
Guy #55: “He’s encouraging and supportive.”
Guy #56: “the fact that he opens up to me make me feel like I too am able to care for another. I am accepted as a man, as a human being”
Guy #57: “a man of faith and prayer. full of joy. never gives up even when times are hard.”
Guy #58: “He’s loving, kind, honest and has integrity.”
Guy #59: “I love that we’re able to be real with each other. He talks about his triggers in marriage and I talk about my struggles with loneliness. I can be completely honest and not fear judgment or shame. I’ve told him about feeling afraid of losing a mutual friend over this guy’s new marriage. He is very focused on his marriage—which is awesome and I support—but I’ve seen too many guys disconnect once they get married and I’m afraid of losing a brother I love dearly. My married buddy has helped me process that and not be ashamed of feeling what I feel. Even he is struggling to consider how his relationship may shift with this guy so we help each other own it.”
Guy #60: “unconditional love, faithful to encourage or rebuke”
Guy #61: “I can be fully open with him. We are both Christian and have had similar experiences so there is mutual understanding.”
#31 – How would you describe your overall feelings about your most important male friend?
Guy #1: “Love. Respect. Admiration.”
Guy #2: “I love him very much, but I really wish he would open up more and enjoy more intimacy with me both emotional and physical. It hurts me that I open up to him but he does not do the same.”
Guy #3: “I love him unconditionally.”
Guy #5: “Emotional affection on the edge of love. Love.”
Guy #6: “I love him and can’t believe God has given me such a deep and real friendship, sometimes it hurts because a part of me wants for more, but I am learning to submit any in appropriate feelings to God and accept that the friendship is his will and gift to me.”
Guy #7: “Reliable, trustworthy, open to each other, but hold back from verbal expression of relationship, there for each other in times of need.”
Guy #8: “I am extremely thankful however I know that it is still difficult for me to feel as though it is a lasting friendship. With the time commitment to family, kids and work, it seems as though friendships are difficult to maintain. Now that we have added distance in proximity, it is really hard for me to still feel close.”
Guy #9: “The feelings I have are strong and conflict with my judgements. I tend to get jealous and protective very easily.”
Guy #10: “He really doesn’t contribute too much other then I can just be comfortable around him.”
Guy #12: “very strong bordering on almost clingy so i have to watch it. He knows i was in love with him emotionally in the past”
Guy #13: “I didn’t know I was so lonely or so hateful towards myself until he showed me what it’s like to have someone who takes an interest in you despite all the flaws and issues. I suppose he is a reflection of unconditional love. It is hard to accept. I’m immensely grateful to him. I have a great fraternal love for him.”
Guy #15: “I feel a warmth and familiarity with him. A sense of ease and comfort. And a desire to be physically affectionate and intimate without being sexual.”
Guy #16: “He is a very honest and sincere person and has a great sense of humor and I admire all these qualities he has. He also intelligent and genuine and sensitive in his interactions with people and also with me too. I am very relaxed with him and he is great company when we are able to hang out together.”
Guy #17: “Love.”
Guy #20: “I love him dearly and consider him to be the closest person to me (sadly even more than my wife).”
Guy #21: “He is a stabilizer/a ground. I want him to always be a part of my life. I love him.”
Guy #24: “I want to care for him but I also want him to care for me back.”
Guy #25: “Our distance communications have been a blessing and encouragement to me; but, as our exchanges are only email and telephone conversations, it is often delayed and very limited as to how and when we share. I yearn for a face-to-face relationship with a Christian man I can trust and confide in man-to-man brother-to-brother.”
Guy #27: “I am thankful for a friend so perfectly suited for my personality.”
Guy #28: “deeply care for him”
Guy #29: “Very important and very powerful help or me to be a better man”
Guy #30: “Good, healthy and positive.”
Guy #31: “He’s an older brother I can’t have as I am the oldest of 5. He’s been a rock in my life when at times all around was sand. I love him more than I would like to admit but I know it will never be more than brothers so I keep that line strong as not to lose him.”
Guy #32: “I like him, but I don’t like relying on him or anyone because I don’t like to get too close.”
Guy #33: “Overall, definitely love and care, and concern for him and his well being.”
Guys #34: “I love him and I am infatuated with him.”
Guy #35: “It is wonderful but he is out-of-state and I have no local guy friends.”
Guy #36: “So grateful to have him as a friend in my life.”
Guy #37: “Admiration”
Guy #38: “I love him as a friend. I wanted to have a deep emotional relationship with him.”
Guy #39: “ambiguous . . . mixture of tenderness and eroticism”
Guy #40: “Disappointed and finished.”
Guy #41: “excitedness”
Guy #42: “I’ve never met him because we have only e-mailed and talked on the phone. He lives on the west coast and I live on the east coast. He is a nice man. He and I have a lot in common. I am less depressed after talking to him, because I feel like he cares about me, I hope.”
Guy #44: “I feel he benefits more from my friendship than I from his.”
Guy #45: “He’s a cool guy. He’s assured of himself. He has chosen to have few friends, two (me and one other) in his life. I sense that he’s caring, and has stated to me, he’s attracted to loyalty and one being confidential. He’s expressed that he’s giving deliberate efforts to the continued development of our relationship as friends, and his behaviors are beginning to be indicators of his willingness to remain open, and to embrace the thought of a closer friendship. I acknowledge to him his deliberate efforts, and he acknowledges mine as well.”
Guy #46: “Love him.”
Guy #48: “I love him. He understands me.”
Guy #49: “I love and care about him more that words can say. I consider him my closest brother.”
Guy#50: “I love him.”
Guy #51: “My most important male friend, as it turns out, is gay. He “came out of the closet” 20 years after we graduated from college (back in those days I did not know that he was gay). It does not matter to me that he is gay. What matters is that he is my dearest friend. He knows it, because I have told him so– many times, and in no uncertain terms… If I were gay, I would be all over him.”
Guy #52: “The closest emotional attachment I have.”
Guy #55: “Deep respect and admiration”
Guy #56: “Love and admiration”
Guy #57: “I love him with all my heart. I can do anything just to be a blessing to him. But I don’t think I mean much to him.”
Guy #58: “I love him 100%.”
Guy #59: “I’m very grateful for him and need him in my life. We are strong supports for one another.”
Guy #60: “I love him like the brother I never had.”
Guy #61: “I value the mutual support and contact. He is the best listener I know.”
#32 – For what reasons do you appreciate, care about or love your most important male friend?
Guy #1: “I have gained so much joy and comfort from his love and spiritual strength. He gives of his true self to me and our friendship. He allows me to freely bless him in the same way. He knows me and understands me – and I him. And he instinctively knows when I need non-erotic, physical touch for affirmation or reassurance without me saying a word.“
Guy #2: “He feels like the brother I never had.”
Guy #3: “I love the sense of closeness with him.”
Guy #5: “He can be childish. He’s smart but doesn’t like to show it. Has an interesting personality. He’s strong. He’s fun.
Guy #6: “Although I find him attractive and I know he doesn’t feel that the same towards me, our deep friendship is mutual so we love and support each other as friends, I know he is open with me too so it is not a relationship based on pity or being one-sided.”
Guy #7: “Trust.”
Guy #8: “I feel known by him. I appreciate his willingness to seek me out.”
Guy #9: “They are my confidant. I can tell him anything and he doesn’t judge me.”
Guy #10: “I appreciate him for being so accepting and loving even after learning about my same sex attractions.”
Guy #11: “I don’t have an important best male friend, but the thing I would love the most is being genuinely loved by my own kind.”
Guy #12: “willing to discuss all the things no other man will with me. Very godly, has good judgement. good personality mix (i’m a Myers-Briggs enfp, he is an infj).
Guy #13: “I guess because he accepts me as I am, because he has fortitude and strength and faces the world despite his own heavy burdens. He is an excellent example of being a good person. He is kind, humble, and intelligent.”
Guy #15: “He is not a macho ‘heterosexual’ type. He wants to talk a about life and experiences. He asks questions about me and seems genuinely interested in me as a person. He is open and honest.”
Guy #16: “He’s just a terrific guy all round and I find myself grateful for his company and I have told him so.”
Guy #17: “His kindness.”
Guy #20: “It seems we are knitted in spirit and have a kin relationship.”
Guy #21: “He accepts me as I am with out judgement. He gives me personal quality time. He is always honest with me.”
Guy #22: “His talents and compassionate nature.”
Guy #24: “I need another male to accept me and love me.”
Guy #25: “He does not judge me and respects my opinions. We can honestly discuss male sexual issues without feeling guilty or condemned. This is the one area within the Christian church other men have been totally silent about!”
Guy #26: “He loves me even with my flaws and mistakes, and constantly points me to Christ and to God’s word.”
Guy #27: “He is as invested in me as I am in him.”
Guy #28: “time together forged the deep appreciation i have”
Guy #29: “Because for me it s the next best thing to have someone to to turn when you are really den or just want to hang around and feel satisfied”
Guy #30: “Because of his unwavering faith to the Lord and His Word. He is a lover of people and their souls. He is kind, gentle and affectionate. He is fun and funny. He has the most unforgettable laugh.”
Guy #31: “We have been through everything together for the last 15+ years. He was there when my parents fought, my breakdowns, the celebration of a surprise sibling – to name a few.”
Guy #32: “I’m always lonely, he eases that.”
Guy #33: “Because he has been there for me through thick and thin and we have both been able to help each other through extremely difficult times, because we are almost always there for each other when we need it, because I can feel safe and comfortable around him, because he is a good man with a compassionate heart for the Lord, because I am loyal to him, because I am thankful for him, because he knows my innermost struggles and feelings, because I can talk to him about anything and everything, and because he cares about me and loves me too.”
Guy #34: “He is sweet, kind, and expresses his feelings freely.”
Guy #35: “love and support”
Guy #36: “He cares about me. We understand each other.”
Guy #38: “Because he wanted to be my friend and he generally took the time to want to get to know me and connect with me emotionally.”
Guy #39: “he is very special to me”
Guy #40: “Don’t care much for him anymore. I am cold toward most people now. I don’t trust myself.”
Guy #41: “I long to affirm him and I need to affirmed by him.”
Guy #42: “He’s a good man that takes the time to talk to me.”
Guy #44: “I don’t feel great love for him, which makes me feel guilty. But because he’s gay, and doesn’t apologize for homosexual activity, I find it difficult to respect him, or even like him that much.”
Guy #45: “I love him because so far he’s been open and honest about who he is, nothing superficial about him. I love him for home he loves his wife and family. So far, he been accepting of me, though he’s made few initiatives to pursue a lot of personal things about me. He stated, “he’d rather for me to tell him ‘whatever,’ when I am ready to tell him. That frustrates me at times, causing me to wonder how interested in getting to know me, really? I am disabled, so he does inquire about how I am doing.”
Guy #46: “His commitment to me personally – his resolve to be there, fully present, for me.”
Guy #48: “He is open with his past in such a way to help me with my future.”
Guy #49: “He ever strives to come closer to God and a better man. And that he is so loving and cares about me as his brother.”
Guy #50: “He accepts me as I am but wants me to be all I can be.”
Guy #51: “During the three years when we were college room mates, we developed a close friendship. It has remained so ever since. I would never want our relationship to dissolve. It means too much to me. He has always been available whenever i need his help, prayers, and encouragement, and likewise I reciprocate. He means more to me than does my very life.”
Guy #52: “I believe it is God-ordained. Closer than a brother but not sexual. The emotional connection is intense.”
Guy #55: “He’s a friend that has stuck closer than a brother.”
Guy #56: “I can’t explain. I just like being there for him.”
Guy #57: “Because he always comes through for me, prays for me, guides me, has a way of making my day even if it was the worst of days.”
Guy #58: “trust, loving, kind, encouraging, physically loves on me such as cuddling”
Guy #59: “There’s a bond there that is unique and deep. As men, we understand one another and can challenge and support one another in unique ways. In some respects, only another man can call out courage in me or confront me in a way that truly inspires change.”
Guy #60: “I simply choose to.”
Thanks guys for taking the time to answer the questions. I appreciate each of you for visiting my blog. You are welcome here anytime.
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